I [30s M] did something I wish I hadn't, I'm not sure if I have the right to feel like a victim. Advice?

This probably deserves some kind of trigger warning, not sure what tho.

I'm not getting specific about my age or anything else because I'm scared somehow someone I know will figure out it's me.

I just want to get this out of the way so I don't confuse anyone with the rest of this post: I'm not into women. There have been in the past maybe a few women/girls I've sort of thought of maybe in a way that could be considered romantic? Like a VERY slight crush. But for the most part the idea of sleeping with a woman is physically super unappealing to me and always has been.

But I do have women friends, and some of them will sometimes tell me they think I look nice, which is flattering but again, not really into that. One of my coworkers has always been like that, and has made some jokes about maybe I might want to give it a try or maybe if I was drunk enough I wouldn't care. It's whatever and I'm just thinking yea when hell freezes over I'll want that.

The other night a group of us were drinking at her house (we were outside, all keeping our distance, except her obviously) and all of us got pretty well plastered, there was also weed involved, and I could tell she was hitting on me, she kept inventing reasons to touch me, hug me, kiss me, and kept getting in my face, at one point she got on my lap, I was sure she was going to try to snog me.

I actually thought I was going to be sick from the drinking and weed so I went to bed (at the house, in an extra bedroom) to lie down for awhile. I was so drunk I was holding onto the bed to not fall off while it was spinning, if you've ever drank that much you know what I mean. I guess I passed out.

Awhile later I woke up again, wasn't quite as out of it, I was wide awake and my coworker was there, but she was completely trashed and wasn't making any sense (I think she might have taken some pills or something on top of everything else), I tried to get her to just lie down next to me but she got all crazy and pinned me down, I guess I should put it as I let her because it's not like she's super strong, I don't know why but I just didn't fight her. I didn't want to push her or hit her or anything. She's my friend. I have to see her at work.

I don't really want to give a blow by blow replay of what happened next but I just want to say that I think the most traumatising part about it was that my body just blatantly betrayed me which made it seem to her like I wanted it. My body and my brain were totally disconnected. No matter what I thought in my mind, it had no effect on what was happening to other parts of my body it was like no bitch, this is happening so stop trying to fight it. I'm not trying to be funny, that's exactly what it was like. Biology ftw. You can think whatever heartbroken dramatic gay trauma you want but it makes no difference in what is going to happen so just give up. So that's pretty much what I did.

I have thought about it constantly since and on one hand, maybe I'm overreacting here and being a total p***ssy because there are definitely worse things that happen to people. She was definitely not in her right mind, I was drunk and high as well, shit happens. But on the other hand I feel super violated and gross. I should have pushed her away or yelled at her or something, but I just went along with it in spite of how it was messing with my head.

I do not think she remembers it. She wandered out of the room a fwe hours afterward and once I didn't feel drunk anymore I just left. And she's acted normal since. I haven't mentioned it because I'm scared to. What do I do here, do I just forget it? Accept it? I literally feel like I'm not who I was before. I know that sounds super dramatic. I feel like the person I thought I was would not have done this. I greatly regret letting it happen. I don't know why I didn't fight harder. Did I lowkey want it maybe? It didn't physically hurt me, it physically felt good but my brain was against it so it mentally hurt me. But am I just looking at it from the wrong perspective or making a big deal out of it? This is the kind of shit I keep thinking of.

I realise this is a pretty unusual situation but I'm hoping someone else has had a similar experience and can tell me how they dealt with it.

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